PDA

View Full Version : GI Joe Movie News...Oh God



Lunchbox McGillicuddy
05-21-2007, 09:23 PM
[Only registered and activated users can see links]

"You ready for this?

COOL DUDE

Lorenzo, you mean to tell me that you had to pay an A-List writer his six figure quote to give you an original henchman with a stupid fucking name like COOL DUDE without having the writer or your development staff go down to Meltdown Comics on Sunset or that other comic shop on Melrose, look up the G.I Joe Battle Files Sourcebook for like 5 bucks and not come up with STORM SHADOW, ZARTAN, MAJOR BLUDD, DESTRO or even FIREFLY?!

Are you kidding me?

You know how many cool bad guys exist in G.I.JOE?!

But no, we have to settle for COOL DUDE who is more like CORNY DUDE!

That’s just the tip of the iceberg.

So for the fans what Joes are in this?

DUKE, FLYNT, SNAKE EYES, HI-TECH, HEAVY DUTY, and SCARLETT, along with ALEX MANN.

But folks, these Joes are not what you grew up reading in comics or watching on television. These are bizarro level bastardizations of these characters.

SNAKE EYES speaks in this script, has some eye trouble – hence his name (how fucking original), wears big shades and gets his vocal cords slashed towards the end by COOL DUDE of all people – hence becoming the silent Snake Eyes we all know.

ALEX MANN, DUKE, and SCARLETT are in a love triangle – hence our subplot. She is Duke’s ex girlfriend, marries Alex, and dies at the midpoint at the hands of the Baroness. Consider her lucky she got out this wretched draft early. Any G.I. JOE fan with some common sense knows that Scarlett had a thing for SNAKE
EYES and not DUKE.

Who are the wannabe Cobras or bad guys?

RYAN, a CIA OFFICIAL who speaks in “dudespeak” and on the last page becomes the cobra commander of this wretched script, THE BARONESS, and COOL DUDE. Ryan is the CIA official who strings along G.I. JOE and the twist is that Ryan is THE NAJA, the main bad guy/arms dealer that G.I. JOE has been looking for all along. Ryan even gives that obligatory clichéd why I did it and became evil speech – literally before our big showdown.

That’s it. I hated the Ryan character. He belongs on Venice Beach hitting the waves. THE BARONESS is this henchwoman hot Mata Hari chick with a cobra tattoo down her back. DUMB. DUMB. DUMB.

What’s the stupid plot?

COOL DUDE launches a shoulder-mounted nuclear missile into downtown HONG KONG, and he takes out a couple of city blocks and thousands of civilians. The G.I. JOE team investigates the arms back to AYOOB, an arms dealer who knows the secret identity of THE NAJA, which ends up being Ryan, the CIA official who was stringing along the G.I.JOE team.

That’s it."

Jesus Christ. I'm all for changes from source material...but when it's ridiculous shit like that... :(

Sackboy
05-21-2007, 09:55 PM
I knew this would happen.

pedo mc tax me softly, black person (whom i love)
05-22-2007, 08:09 AM
You say all that as if G.I. Joe was the bastion of continuity and great writing.

Lunchbox McGillicuddy
05-22-2007, 08:19 AM
Larry Hama's work on the comic was actually pretty good. It's more highly regarded than you may think. The cartoon was obviously a little goofy but still a lot cooler than whatever they're doing with this supposed movie.

I hope they at least change the "cool dude" name.

pedo mc tax me softly, black person (whom i love)
05-22-2007, 08:30 AM
Larry Hama's work on the comic was actually pretty good. It's more highly regarded than you may think. The cartoon was obviously a little goofy but still a lot cooler than whatever they're doing with this supposed movie.

I hope they at least change the "cool dude" name.

At least Uwe Boll isn't directing it.

Lunchbox McGillicuddy
05-22-2007, 08:43 AM
Odin made a post I agree with!

The world is obviously at it's end