View Full Version : Thing One

Angel Rinoa
02-16-2002, 11:55 PM
<font face="Comic Sans MS"><font color="deeppink">This is a story I wrote for creative writing. Please tell me if it's good, bad, or needs something.

<font color="green">Here eyes were as brown as the chocolate kisses she was eating. She was also staring out the window, wondering if she would meet anybody interesting in her lifetime. She took a drink of her Diet Coke and fell asleep on the couch.
All of a sudden, she was in a beautiful park. There were dogs and children playing around. People were walking, and birds were flying. Then she noticed this cute little puppy that looked lost. It was a small puppy, so she bent down to pick it up. As soon as she stood up, she saw the cutest guy she'd ever seen. He smiled.
"Is this your puppy?" She asked.
"Yes, it is. My name is Jim." He said.
"My name is Ariana. It's nice to meet you." They started talking, and then Jim asked if he could take Ariana out. She said yes.
"Meet me at Bundy's." Jim said.
"I'm sorry," Arian said. "But I'm not even sure where that is. You see, I'm not evern sure where I'm at right now. The lastthing I remember was falling asleep on the couch.
Jim gave Ariana a look, and burst out laughing. She asked him why he was laughing, and he just laughed harder. Ariana started to cry.
"This isn't funny!" She cried. "I'm serious! I want to know where I am, why I'm here, and how I got here!!" She ran down the street, when she saw a little cafe, and ordered some strong tea. She was confused, and scared. Ariana wanted to know why she was at this strange place, and how she got there,. The tea came, helped a little bit, paid, and left.
Ariana decided to walk around a little bit. The next thing she knows, she's on the ground.
"I'm so sorry Miss. I yelled 'look out', but you must not have heard me." Then the boy on the bike helped her up.
"It's O.K." She said. "I'm alright." Ariana then fainted. When she woke up, she was lying on the couch.
"That was the wierdest dream I've ever had." She said to herself.

02-17-2002, 12:03 AM
ha! thats deep......yet funny! that's a good story! sequel!

Divine Strike
02-17-2002, 12:05 AM
It is better than anything i could type but i do see just two things wrong with it one of then is ok but the other just bugs me here::::
"little puppy that look lost"------------"little puppy that looked lost"
and the other isn't that big of a deal but...here it is anyway......it is just something that i would fix but it is fine the way it is:::::::
"place, and how she got here"-----i would fix------"place, and how she got there"....(the reason being is because she is talking to herself and not someone else)...............but like i said before it is much better than anything i could ever type

Great Job!!!!!!

02-17-2002, 06:20 AM
Thats great. Except for the few mistakes that Divine pointed out, It was well done. Keep it up!:)

Green Arrow
02-17-2002, 07:44 AM
Good so far, waiting for the sequel to pop up. I would knit pick but the mistakes have been picked out already except...if she was lost and had no idea where she was, why run down the street and get some tea???